Always juggling

Some days I feel like Super Mom, like when I've successfully managed to get both boys dressed, fed and out of the house without anyone having a major meltdown (myself included) and I'm able to take care of errands, put the laundry away and get dinner on the table before Captain Husband comes home from work.  And then there are the days when everyone is still in their pajamas at three o' clock in the afternoon and Nick Jr. has been playing non-stop because that's the only way I can get Sammy to take the whining down to a level that doesn't make me want to scream while I'm stuck on the couch with Charlie latched on to me every half hour...this sort of day happens more than I'd care to admit.  Of course, it doesn't help that there's a huge part of me that's convinced that I'm neglecting the boys in some way, so I just hope that at the very least I'm neglecting them equally.  Gotta keep things fair, right?

I've got so many balls in the air and I know that unless things change in some way I'm in serious danger of dropping them all; I spend so much time taking care of the boys' wants and needs that there's really no time for myself.  And don't get me started on my relationship with CH: to say that it's strained would be pretty accurate and the demands of his job haven't exactly made things any easier.  There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to satisfy everyone and since Sammy and Charlie still can't really fend for themselves, that means CH drops to the bottom of my priority list...well, actually I'm at the bottom of my priority list, which really isn't much better to admit.  If anyone has any advice for me, I'd really appreciate it.  I'm trying to find a sitter (the sitter that we loved moved back to Michigan this summer) and am looking into daycare options that would at least give me a morning or two when I'm down to only one kid to look after, but so far that's all I've got.

On my mind

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but it's a cute moment between Sammy and my mom that I wanted to share with you guys.  So, on to the post:

Last week's surprise visit to the hospital still has me somewhat rattled...I thought having had one kid already would make me a pro at this whole baby bit, but this go-round has been so completely different than from being pregnant with Sammy that I honestly don't know what to expect and that has me a bit scared.  I'm thirty five weeks and some change today and this baby is breech, which has me trying to come to terms with the fact that I may very well have to undergo a c-section if he doesn't flip around soon...especially if I find myself experiencing early labor issues again.

I've been trying to take things easy since Monday--my doctor gave me orders to stay on bed rest for a few days following my discharge from the hospital, which I did (even though all that rest seemed to do was make me feel tired all of the time).  I've got an appointment to see my doctor today and hopefully that will go well, although I'm afraid that he might tell me I need to really get serious about staying off of my feet for the next few weeks, but if that's what it takes to keep this baby happy and healthy, then I'll do it.  Thankfully my mom is here to help out with Sammy now that I'm no longer able to lift him or get him into his car seat.  He's been handling my diminished activity level pretty well, although it does break my heart a bit to have to tell him no every time he asks for me to pick him up for a quick hug.

I know things have a way of working out so I'm trying not to dwell too much on the what ifs surrounding this pregnancy, even though lying in bed for most of the day kind of gives a person a lot of time to think.  Phew--thanks for listening, everyone; it felt good to get some of this out.

What I did on my summer blogcation

The short answer?  Not much.  Not much at all.  But that would be a really super short blog post, so I'll elaborate a little bit--Captain Husband and I hired a house cleaner and I have to admit that I feel rather sheepish about the fact that we're now paying someone to clean up after us.  The main impetus for taking this step is the fact that I live in the dust and grit capital of the world with a toddler and a grown man who have the ability to create messes out of thin air; thanks to my growing belly, I'm just not able to keep up with everything like I used to.  As of right now, our house cleaner is only tackling the floors and the bathrooms twice a month, so I'm still responsible for a lot of the regular upkeep around the place, which helps ease my conscience a bit.  I'm still getting used to the idea of the whole thing and am totally guilty of cleaning up before she arrives just so she won't think we're a family of pigs, even though I'm sure she probably couldn't care less.  When I informed some of my friends about our decision to hire a house cleaner, the overall response was positive, with one person even going so far as to tell me that having someone else clean up after us would be just as beneficial, if not more, as going to couples' therapy.  And while I definitely see the benefit of splitting the housekeeping duties with another person, I still can't help but feel slightly conflicted about the whole enterprise.  On the other hand, however, my back is definitely appreciating this new arrangement and that alone is worth every penny.  Would you (or have you) hire a house cleaner?

Things I'm afraid to tell you

Deep breaths: I've been contemplating writing a post like this for some time now, but then a few of my blog friends went and created something awesome called Let's Get Real, which made me summon up some testicular fortitude and sit down and do it.  Soooooooooooo here goes.

For every post I write featuring some cute craft that I just made, there are at least four half-finished projects lying around the house in some state of neglect.  I start things that I wind up not finishing and then I feel horrible about it, so I move on to something "easy" to make myself feel better.  And posting about crafts means I don't have to delve into my personal life quite so much for material, which honestly leaves a lot to be desired these days. 

I totally seek the validation of strangers with this blog.  It makes me feel so good when someone--anyone--compliments my photos and the like and I get really down on myself when a post goes by without a single comment.  Sad, right?

I'm not really enjoying being a military spouse these days.  But then again, I'm sure my problems are not limited to those who happen to be married to someone in service, so I think it might be accurate to say that I'm not happy being a spouse at the moment.  I find myself wishing that Captain Husband would have to go somewhere for a few months just so I can get back into the routine that I had established while he was in South Korea last year.

I miss working.  A lot.  I miss using my brain and having conversations with other adults about things that have nothing to do with kids or kid-related activities.  I feel as though I have nothing to talk about and like I'm the most boring person to ever walk the planet.  I try to keep up with current events and read the paper every day and whatnot, but it seems like every single conversation I have with other people somehow returns to the minutiae of being a stay-at-home-mom and I hate that.  I can't remember the last time that I sat down and read a scholarly article; no wonder I feel so brain dead.

I'm jealous of the fact that CH gets to leave the house and go to work every day.  I'm jealous that he has a private office and can shut the door when he needs to work on something important (or if he just wants to be left alone for a little bit).  I'm jealous that he gets to unwind from his day at work during his drive home.  I want those things for myself...more importantly, I'd like to be able to pee without Sammy going into a separation-anxiety-induced panic attack every time I try to close the bathroom door.

Believe me, there's more, so much more.  I've only just scratched the surface but I don't want to scare everyone off of visiting my blog in one fell swoop.  Thanks for letting me get some of this stuff off of my chest.