Deep breaths: I've been contemplating writing a post like this for some time now, but then a few of my blog friends went and created something awesome called Let's Get Real, which made me summon up some testicular fortitude and sit down and do it. Soooooooooooo here goes.
For every post I write featuring some cute craft that I just made, there are at least four half-finished projects lying around the house in some state of neglect. I start things that I wind up not finishing and then I feel horrible about it, so I move on to something "easy" to make myself feel better. And posting about crafts means I don't have to delve into my personal life quite so much for material, which honestly leaves a lot to be desired these days.
I totally seek the validation of strangers with this blog. It makes me feel so good when someone--anyone--compliments my photos and the like and I get really down on myself when a post goes by without a single comment. Sad, right?
I'm not really enjoying being a military spouse these days. But then again, I'm sure my problems are not limited to those who happen to be married to someone in service, so I think it might be accurate to say that I'm not happy being a spouse at the moment. I find myself wishing that Captain Husband would have to go somewhere for a few months just so I can get back into the routine that I had established while he was in South Korea last year.
I miss working. A lot. I miss using my brain and having conversations with other adults about things that have nothing to do with kids or kid-related activities. I feel as though I have nothing to talk about and like I'm the most boring person to ever walk the planet. I try to keep up with current events and read the paper every day and whatnot, but it seems like every single conversation I have with other people somehow returns to the minutiae of being a stay-at-home-mom and I hate that. I can't remember the last time that I sat down and read a scholarly article; no wonder I feel so brain dead.
I'm jealous of the fact that CH gets to leave the house and go to work every day. I'm jealous that he has a private office and can shut the door when he needs to work on something important (or if he just wants to be left alone for a little bit). I'm jealous that he gets to unwind from his day at work during his drive home. I want those things for myself...more importantly, I'd like to be able to pee without Sammy going into a separation-anxiety-induced panic attack every time I try to close the bathroom door.
Believe me, there's more, so much more. I've only just scratched the surface but I don't want to scare everyone off of visiting my blog in one fell swoop. Thanks for letting me get some of this stuff off of my chest.
13 comments:
I get all of this, on so many levels. I, too, am dejected when i get no comments or likes, especially when I think I've written a doozy (and thanks for being the one person that usually comments!!)
I have heard the same from other military spouses that it's hard to have the routine disrupted, even if it's a 'good' disruption, so I know you're not alone there.
And I am jealous of my husband regularly, that he never has to cook, that I don't get breaks from Maeve except at naptime, and that he gets to deal with adults all day and bring home a paycheck.
I just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Oh I get it. I think a lot of others do, too. When Little Lady starts to fuss or go into tantrum mode I just think about how this is about to be my sixth straight year of diapers, gibberish talk that is frustrating at both ends of the conversation, grunt talking, whining, clinging little monkeys on my body every second, having to constantly be touched by one of the children, tantrums, and other baby/toddler/young child antics. I am over it. I get down when I think about how much I still have to go. Then I get really down for thinking about negatively. I am supposed to be cherishing these moments, right? So why do I feel like a prisoner half of the time?
You are not alone. We all feel like this. But in ten years I bet I will wish I had this time back. I just keep telling myself that.
We are all here for you. Vent whenever you need to. You have my email and you can always call. :)
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES. To all of the above, you are not alone.
I worked for 10 years before I got pregnant and I think that is one of the hardest things about being a stay at home mom. All of the things that people take for granted or think would be great to not have to deal with. Outside validation, tangible productivity, financial self reliance, adult interaction,I swear even the Squid sometimes says things like "your day couldn't have been that hard, all you had to deal with was a couple of kids and some dishes." So mean and he can't even understand why. He isn't that insensitive most of the time, but everyone has their days. He takes for granted that when he gets home his day is over. Part of the reason I started cloth diapering was to feel like I was contributing, even if it was only in saving us money. Yeah, I better stop there, I could go on all day. lol.
I feel like I'm in my own rut, too with all the excitement (cough-lie) of being a caregiver. This is absolutely not the married life I want for any longer than necessary.
Me too! My last baby just turned 2, and I am silently counting down the days until shes in school, because that means that maybe I could get a job. Maybe its harsh, but I need a break. I too resent my husband for escaping to work everyday, and then escaping to the garage or yard....sometimes I would love for my husband to understand what I do everyday, especially when he comments that the house looks messy or I forgot to do something for him.
Sending a BIG hug!!! I think every stay at home mom feels this way (and if they don't, they're lying.) half the time but we all just trudge through it anyway. And I know for me, all the feelings of discontent and inadequacy are magnified a million times while pregnant (thank you hormones...). But I really don't think you are boring at all and have been missing you a lot lately! And while you may only feel like Sammy's slave believe me, you and your brain and personality are shining through too:) Sometimes (or maybe lots of times) I wish Rob and I could switch places whenever we both need a break from our routine. And whenever Rob starts telling me all the things he wants to do once he retires I'm like "HOLD UP!" That's MY time! We will go wherever I want to go to graduate school, then I will have my career and you can take a backseat to me:) But next time we get together we can just schlep the kids onto my sister and have some real adult time! :)
I know I'm not a military spouse, but I still live at least 5 hours from my nearest blood relatives. I completely understand and agree with everything you are going through. As much as I love my kid, I miss feeling challenged for my talents and interests. Even when Alex gets home from work and attempts to give me a break, it's still hard to get away. And I feel guilty sometimes too because of course I am being useful in raising a child, but I feel like my mind will turn to jello if I have to read My Truck Is Stuck one more time instead of a scholarly article on Victorian literature. You aren't alone! And as for the validation of the comments... I think Facebook and blogging has done this to all of us; the loneliness makes it worse!
I could have written this myself! I definitely miss adult conversations, even though the only words I can manage to blither out is about my kids... ironic, right? And I'm SUPER jealous of Hubby's quiet commute, the ability to eat lunch without someone constantly asking for bites, and his ability to pee in peace. And sometimes I wish he'd just deploy already- at least I'd KNOW the responsibility falls on me, and I can have zero expectations of him.
I could go on and on. I think most moms can. It seems like a lot of us share the same dilemmas and problems.
Awww... I hear you! Like Charli, I have nothing to do with the military but we live 6 hours away from my parents or relatives. Amy's currently going down at 23:00 which means no me time. She naps in the stroller. I have no time to myself and I have worn the same clothes for the last 2 years. I wish I could go to work, get dressed up in the morning, have lunch with some grown ups, listen to my iPod on the way home or read a book, etc.
At the same time...I would miss having her around all day...apart from the toilet;-)
It is hard. I totally get you!
Thanks for being so open and honest! I agree with you on so many levels. As excited as I am for our son to arrive and to become a mother, I really wanted to deploy before we had a kid. In fact, I'm jealous that my husband got to go and I had to leave my dream job and live in a part of the country I really hate, alone and pregnant. I miss museum and archaeology work. I feel like I no longer have control of my life (or body) and it's just hard to transition into a new kind of life, it's not a switch you can just flip. Sometimes I'm just tired of embracing the suck.
OK, I'm done ranting now, I think I need a vacation. Too bad we don't live closer, we could totally nerd out on history stuff while the kiddos played :-)
Hang in there!
L- thank you for sharing your feelings with this post. You speak to the heart of a lot of mothers. I'm a Work-at-home-mom part time, so while I get to do some 'adult' projects every week, the work flow is constantly interrupted with baby related duties which can be frustrating at times.
But one day, we will look back and cherish these moments, for being a mom is life's most important work.
And by the way, your blog is great! I'm amazed that you are able to find the time to post awesome content... Keep up the good work!
I can't say it any better than the ladies above. Before we get married and have kids, we're made to think that family life is one big wonderful event of daily bliss. It's not. And marriage can just suck sometimes. Stick with it. Take deep breaths. Put Sammy in front of the tube and do some reading. I feel your pain. Do something, anything for yourself.
Thinking of you!
I hear you, dear L! I felt like this too when the boys were younger but things just keep getting better now that they are older being less clingy and needy, leaving me more me time.
Hang in there!! Savour every second with them and before you know it, these precious moments are gone.
Just so you know, I love, love, love your blog though I don't comment every time.
Love ya!
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