Tuesday, October 4, 2011
The ugly truth about reintegration
I try to keep my blog a relatively happy place, one that is free of drama and general complaining. But every now and then I have to break out the tiny violin and give it a play. This is one of those times, so consider yourself warned.
There's no real way to candy-coat this, so I'm just going to come out and say it: Reintegration sucks. It is quite possibly the hardest thing I've had to go through, and remember, I just spent a year alone with a baby, so that's saying something. I'm actually surprised by how difficult this has been; after all, I've been through this before, when Captain Husband returned from Afghanistan and again when he returned from his career course. By this point, I should be an expert, right? Wrong and here's why--there is now a kid involved. Previously, when CH and I would experience a reintegration hiccup, we felt free to yell and swear and stomp our feet to our hearts' content, but we just can't (or shouldn't) do that in front of our young, impressionable child, who may be harboring some reintegration issues of his own for all we know--after all, he did call a complete stranger, "Dada," over the weekend.
And of course, it didn't help matters at all that CH was sent out to the field for ten days--it had taken us nearly two months to finally get used to living with one another (plus a toddler) and I was feeling pretty good about things. But in the span of those ten days it was as though all of our hard work was for naught. We spent most of this past weekend bickering about the silliest things; it honestly feels like every time we take a step forward, we wind up taking two steps back. I know for a fact that I'm harboring some feelings of resentment and that CH is having problems adjusting to a battle rhythm that's not of his own making; hopefully by acknowledging these aspects, we'll be better equipped to take the necessary steps to make our relationship happy and healthy once again.
I chalk up a lot of our points of contention primarily to the fact that we never really got to have a "honeymoon" phase with this reintegration; basically CH returned from South Korea and then *BAM* we had to prepare for our cross-country move to Texas (which would have been hard enough on its own regardless of the circumstances leading up to it). In fact, I don't think CH and I have had a night to ourselves since he's returned--something that we definitely need to look into, preferably sooner rather than later.
What is also making this reintegration difficult is the fact that I feel as though I'm going through all of this on my own. Yes, I've been making new friends here in El Paso, but I don't want to be known as the annoying woman that is always high-jacking the conversation so that she can complain about her husband. Okay, enough whining already; I know that, in the great scheme of things, I have it pretty good. Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that fact.