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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Cue the tiny violins

Photo courtesy the Life Photo Archive

Yesterday was one of those days where I just wanted to hide away from the world.  The morning did not start off well; Captain Husband and I were Skyping and we wound up having a stupid argument over the dumbest thing--his vehicle registration.  This, of course, opened up a whole other can of worms regarding our finances, especially as I am having a hard time being financially reliant on someone other than myself, and I hate feeling as though I have no control over the state of our bank account.  Control is kind of a big thing with me and one of the major reasons why I think I super suck at being a MilSpouse; I don't take kindly to being told what to do and that's pretty much all the Army does in my albeit rather limited experience.

I tried to get out of my funk by playing around with my camera and new remote a bit and took a few self-portraits.  The results honestly made me want to cry.  Those last five pounds of Sammy weight are now more like ten thanks to a week of comfort eating (and comfort drinking) and not working out while I was in Pennsylvania for my grandma's funeral.  Plus, once I get down to my pre-baby weight, I still have about another thirty-five pounds to lose to be at what I consider a healthy weight for myself.  I don't like looking or feeling this way, but there's only so much I can do while I'm taking care of Sammy.  I think it's time to suck it up and dust off the Wii Fit so I can work out after he's in bed for the night.

CH has been gone now for over six months and I'm more than slightly afraid that he'll think I've let myself go during his absence and not be attracted to me anymore when he returns for the first time this June.  My frustrations with our financial situation and my plummeting self-esteem do not add up to a happy me by any stretch of the imagination and I'm so worried that my various negative feelings will slowly leech into my little sponge of a son.  This is why I was so adamant about seeing a therapist, though I'm afraid it hasn't been doing me much good; as of this writing, I've only seen her two times since November thanks to her canceling our appointments in the interim due to snow and/or sickness.  Oh, and don't forget all of the stress from the past week or so with my grandma's death and some other family issues--that stuff is only exacerbating my oh-so-delightful mood these days.

I am so ready for CH's year in South Korea to be over and done with.  It would make a world of difference just to have someone in the house at the ready with a hug or a kind word whenever I needed it.  Does anyone have some cheese to go with my whine?


Maeve's Momma said...

L, sounds like a rough time! I'm right there with you on the weight, it's like a freaking albatross around my neck lately, and I have a spouse in town reaffirming me and everything! But I just imagine your poor, sex-starved Captain Husband will not be looking at you and seeing extra pounds, I think he'll be seeing Home.

Be patient with yourself, love the body that gave Sammy life, even if it's not quite the shape you want it to be. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. <>

Rune Ariala said...

My husband is sort of contending with the same thing as you are now. He's been unemployed since our son came along, at least 2 years ago, and really struggles with my being our sole source of income, not to mention the sedentary lifestyle that comes with being a stay-at-home parent. Now I'm trying to get him used to wearing our son and walking with him at least 10-30 minutes a day. It does them both a world of good mentally and physically.

M said...

Its also that its February. February sucks, in my opinion - I always feel like crap during this month. I'm sure things will start looking up soon! And the best way to feel better about yourself (not that I think you should be down on yourself at all - you're doing an AMAZING job ON YOUR OWN for God's sake)is to do something, anything, about what's got you down. Take some sort of action, so you don't feel like a victim. Even if you don't feel like its doing any good, that Wii Fit might just make you turn the corner mentally!

Veronica Lee said...

Hang in there, L.! I'm certain things will turn out well soon.

Sending you lots of prayers and hugs.

Feminist Military Spouse said...

Sorry you are having a rough go of things, but you're doing fine and you aren't the only milspouse who doesn't like the financial dependence thing.
Don't worry about what your husband thinks of your weight. I guarantee you he will be so happy to see you again that you'll look perfect no matter if you were wearing a potato sack.
Things'll get better, but you have a lot on your plate right now, so cut yourself some slack. You deserve it.

kitten said...

Oh L., I am sorry that you were having a bad day. I wish that there is something I could do to make you feel better. Sometimes we are so critical of ourselves that we don't see how truly beautiful we are. You are one of the bloggers I really look up to. I think you are beautiful, strong, and have REALLY GOOD TASTE! When I am down, I just look at N and she never fails to make me smile. I also count my blessings... even the littlest ones. When I do that I usually find myself surprised at how blessed I am and it melts my worries away. Hang in there! xoxo

Gretchen said...

{ hug }

Tonya said...

L, I'd like to ditto Maeve's Momma's wise comment that CH will be seeing home when he greets you on that wonderful day. I've learned in my 40-something years that men care a whole lot less about our appearance than we do (lately my husband has been leaving the house in the a.m. when I'm in my bathrobe, and returning when I'm bundled in it again ready for bed...I felt rather grungy about it, but he's even MORE affectionate when he gets home than when we're together all day).

Good for you for seeking out a therapist. And I admire you so much for raising Sammy in his first year by yourself. I NEVER (and I mean NEVER) could have raised my first child as you are. You are one strong lady!

As to the control issues, one of my favorite books which I've referred back to upteen times over the years is "The Language of Letting Go," by Melody Beattie. It's written for co-dependents, but I've found it has awesome meditations for people like me who want to have control of everyone and every thing.

Hope this helps - thinking of you :)

Tezzie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tezzie said...

Sorry about the above 'removed comment'...I rambled about something that I later saw I had misunderstood ;).

In any case, I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and that you're not happy with your weight. Both things are issues I know well...I wish I had some advice or words of comfort, but I don't. Just know that you're not alone, and that I'm sure your husband loves you with all his heart no matter what you weigh.

Hope things look brighter for you soon!

Tezzie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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